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[03 Apr 2008|08:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
I don't know how to explain all that's gone on in the past seven weeks in my life with words, I'm not even going to attempt. I've had good days, bad days, sad days, and mad days. Things have gone my way, and things haven't. I've lived, I've learned, I've made mistakes. I've grown up, I've fallen down. I've caved in, I've got out. I've gotten closer to God, but at the same time I've done things to get myself right back where I started. I've lied, I've apologized, I've kept things to myself. I was holding onto broken love, I've fallen in lust with someone who I once loved, I've gotten closer to friends &; drifted from others. All I know is that all in all, all the things I've gone through recently, I've gone through for a reason - a reason to become a stronger person; the reason to learn from everything I do.
I can honestly say that through everything that has happened, I'm a happier person now then I was seven weeks ago. Even if I haven't done the best things in the world. Right now, at this moment, I'm in love with life. I'm on spring break &; enjoying myself, having clean, harmful fun. Being able to be with friends &; get away from people I don't want to see everyday. Once school starts back up Monday, I have seven weeks 'till high school is over. Seven weeks. I haven't written in this thing for seven weeks [according to livejournal] - SEVEN WEEKS and i'm done. Time is gonna fly by so fast, I already know it. Especially with my birthday, and birthday party coming up in the next two weeks, as well as Prom &; all the Senior Festivites leading up to Graduation. Before I know it, I'll be done. I'm beyond excited, but at the same time really nervous. I'm ready to start up at UCF in June &; start my life, but at the same time I'm not ready to leave everything behind - especially a few friendships I've grown to love &; make with a few underclassmen. Regardless, I have to make the best of the time ahead, and I fully intend to do so, and have no one stop me - it'll be merely impossible for someone to break me, but I know people will try - but I'm ready. More than ready.
I'm so excited to see how my life, and my last seven weeks, turn out.
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[12 Feb 2008|09:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 complacent |
] |
With a click of a few buttons, I just erased you from myspace.
Which pretty much means I just erased you from my life.
I really hope I don't regret it.
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[10 Feb 2008|08:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lifehouse |
] |
Today was the closest i've ever come to giving myself to the Lord.
And honestly, it's the most amazing feeling I've experienced in so long.
I don't think I'll ever be the type to fully give my life to the Lord,
I might aspire to be that type all the time, but Idk if I could ever do it.
I could be completely off &; in a few days become that person,
but regardless, just growing a true relationship with God right now is enough for me.
Something about tonights youth group really effected me.
Whether it was the message being sent across, about attraction &; everything hidden in everyone;
I somehow was able to let myself go and let myself become free, and be given to God.
I realized tonight that I really have been waiting for you, and pushing you to be with me. Not only to be more than friends, but more recently even just to be friends. And some days it worked, some days it didn't. I've tried consistantly to get your attention in one way or another. As many times as I've told myself, told my friends, told this journal that I'm just going to let things happen between us the way they do, I've never truly given myself the chance to truly do it. I've finally realized that you "promising" to me that we'll have a crazy weekend over the summer, or get back together before I graduate, is just a waiting opportunity.. that I don't HAVE to take. As much as I want it, doesn't mean I have to take it. And for the first time ever, tonight, I saw myself actually saying no. I've finally realized that things really will never ever ever be the same way between us, ever again. And as much as sometimes that really upsets me, everything happens for a reason.
No more denial, No more hiding.
I'm not doing this for revenge, or to get back at you.
This is me doing the right thing, that I've been hiding to do all this time.
"Please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me."
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| All the entries have something with "boy" in them. :] |
[06 Feb 2008|07:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Eric Clapton |
] |
Disregard the beginning part of my last entry.
'Cause it turned out that it turned out to be a huge misunderstanding,
All is good. No, it's great. Life is great.
I feel really free right now,
It's sorta suprising, but I like it.
No drama with any friends, No not feeling distant with anyone, I feel content with just about everyone.
I think my dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, more specific the past week, he's been on my case just a little bit about little things, but then he's always realized it &; apologized a few minutes later, so it's not that bad. And my mom has been just as free as me lately, it's quite suprising, but again, I'm content with it. We're actually going to go watch 27 dresses together this weekend &; have a little mother daughter day, we haven't had that in forever - I neglect my parents sometimes. Especially recently, been busy with work [which has been pretty fun lately], school [which is going okay - senioritis is getting the best of me day by day, but hey.], and friends. But they still love me, they understand everything, and I love them, and I understand them. It's great.
Mmm, as for boys. Feelin' free. Single , not wanting to Mingle. Fo'real.
I had a little encounter with boy today as I was biking, and I'm pretty sure I'm closing up on him. Not that it's a bad thing, cause it's not. I can finally feel that things are actually heading where they are supposed to, and I think I'm done hoping / somewhat waiting / tempting him - bahaha. Suprisingly i'm taking it quite well. I don't know about him , but I can just tell this is right. "The Perhaps said it all .." I plan on telling him this feeling of free-ness &; rightness in about two weeks, why I'm waiting that long is for two things - to make sure this is a permanent feeling &; because in two weeks is probably the last time we'll really hang out outside of school.. thanks youth group for switching days. :]
As for youthgroup, I really wish sometimes that I could be well , more "Godly" i guess. Like not crazy, all out, give my life to the lord thing, just like .. more aware of myself &; my religion. I can't say i'm catholic, yet I read once a month at the Catholic church. I can't say i'm presbyterian, yet I go to there youth group every Sunday. I'm feelin' pretty non-denominational , yet I feel like I wanna be offical in something. I see God changing so many lives everyday. Not that he's not changing mine - I believe in him, I talk to him, &; I pray when I need to pray - I guess in esscense that's enough , but to me I feel like I can be more. I get so inspired by seeing these people wearing purity rings , or giving themselves up - yet I can't see myself doing it. I feel like if I do it, i'm doing it to follow a trend - it's not a bad one, but I know it's not me. Lalalala, oh well. He's watching over me, and I guess that's all that matters. :]
Yayyy for this weekend.
Time to stop procrastinating.
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| Sex Changes Everything. |
[04 Feb 2008|06:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
I need to learn how to think before I act.
Today was a wee bit drama filled at lunch.
But I meant what I said; about how i think it's really messed up that you went to him, even after I told you not to.
I haven't even come close to going up to her &; spilling the beans.. which would fuck you over.
[Ps, I've got nothing to lose anymore, I've told who I need to tell.]
Goddfsajklj, you suck. But I also seriously suck at being mad at you.
I need to learn how to be &; stay mad at you.
And not let your "fake stupid-ness of your surroundings" to go on.
I really don't know what's best for us anymore.
Part of me still wants to have you in my life.
Another part is slowly just wanting you to disappear.
dsfajofafjawofjawrafjaew. I also need to learn how to not lead guys on.
For'real, it's bad.
I'm gonna have relationship problems when I'm out of high school.
It's gonna suck.
I probably shouldn't have skipped anatomy today.
But Thank God for Julie.
She saveded me today :] I love that girl.
She's gonna be my little sister :] Mmm, I'm excited for Friday / this weekend.
I'm going to see the Percussion boys' S&;E, then head over to the Winterfest with all of 'em.
It's gonna be funfunfunn, I love my Pit boys <3 :]
Saturday I signed up for the ACTS, but I may not take them.
I'm supposed to go to the beach with Evin &; Alina, that'll be fun!
Youth Group on Sunday, woop.
Random ...
Senioritis definently got the best of me today.
I have lots of homework tonight.
Lots of make-up work, too.
I got out of work early, but haven't even started.
I had a little conversation through Texts with SCG today,
for the first time since September.
One of the only times that texting someone by accident actually did good.
And it's a little surprising it worked out with him. Bahah.
lalala.
Life's gonna get better.
I know it.
I'm gonna shape it up.
Starting now.
ps - I do believe now that every single entry on this page has somehow related to "boy." - starting way back in September, after me and SCG ended.
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[03 Feb 2008|08:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
A lot of things in life are ten times easier being said, then being done.
Like studying for school. Everyone says they'll study for a test, but only half the people who actually say it; will actually study. [Procrastination] Or drinking&;partying. A lot of people say they look for a party or are going to party, but only some actually do party every weekend. The other half just say they will, and do it just to fit in. [I don't do either, anymore.] Or Doing Chores. We'll all tell our mom we'll do our chores, but do we really ever do it right then &; there? [Again, procrastination. But, usually I don't.] Hm, and another thing to add to this list of things easier being said then done is, Leaving you. You make it so hard for me to even try and leave you, and in all reality you don't even try at all. I can't even count how many times I've told myself, I'm just going to let us be how we be. I'm not going to fight fate, I'm not going to flirt my way back to you, I'm not even going to try anything. I don't know how many times I've even had my closest friends tell me straight up I'm wasting my time, tell me that you obviously don't care near as much about me then well, you know. I don't know how many times I've been told you were just using me, and how you have me on hold, on a good hold. And more than anything, I don't know why the hell I care so effing much. At first, it was simple why I was so attatched. But now, I'm not so sure. You're not even my type - bahaha. But damn, it really sucks. It's not that I even like you like that anymore. I think more than anything now, it's just the physical attraction I have to you. Or the craving &; desire of wanting to be around you, be with you, etc. I question myself all the time. I compare myself all the time. I constantly wonder, and find myself waiting. Always having hope. I live my life with hope &; faith in everything I do, but I'm really starting to lose it with you. At first I was just having hope that the fling you got yourself into wouldn't last this long, but It has suprised me more than I thought possible - again you've underestimated me. At first, once I got passed emotional feelings with you &; they just became physical, I just wanted to fight for you to be my friend. To be the best friend I had only a few months ago. The one I would go to talk to about all my guy problems, but now you've become a guy problem in my life. I've even been trying to reach out to God, but I don't know what he wants from it, from this. If he wanted me to completely let go of you, I would already be done by now. But i'm still here. And I know that I always will be until that day comes around. I wonder sometimes if God's making me wait for you to come back, so I could give you a smack in the face &; reject your ass. Or if he's making me wait because you'll finally realize what you lost. Or, just what?
Today in youth, our youth pastor talked about Changes. Talked about how Changes aren't always easy, and you don't always like them, and even more so, sometimes Change is hard to adapt to. This change between us, how distant you & I have become, is honestly so hard for me to accept - In the Why Men Love Bitches book, one of the attraction priniciples is about how a woman will always choose dignity &; pride over a relationship - I felt that way once. I feel like, I've lost so much of me &; my ways of life, over fighting to be in your life. It has to stop. As much as I don't want to ignore you, as much as I don't want to try &; avoid you, I have to give it another shot. And more than anything, I need to let you not suck me back in, like you do every single time. I just have to try.
"I don't understand why you &; him haven't ended already in the first place."
"It's like he's an island in the middle of the ocean, and you're another island next to him, the island to his left. And then, he's got another island, on his right, named _____, and he has bridges to both of you, at all times. Break the bridge."
"It's like he's a parasite &; you're the queen parasite. He comes to you only when he needs you."
ps: I can't wait for the day I can actually post your name on all my entries, instead of refer you to as "boy."
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[21 Jan 2008|12:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
I've contemplated a lot onto whether I'd write in this ever again.
I actually had a few entries written, but never posted them.
Part of the reason i stopped posting was cause it's a new year &; this whole livejournal is all my past..
And I wanted to forget a lot of it, especially the last few entries, but not delete it.
But here I am, writing this.
2008 has honestly been ten times better than I expected it to be.
I started off the New Years with my two best girls &; my favorite CFA workers.
Definently a fun night , the best New Years i've ever had so far.
Every aspect of my life has been amazing since the new year came around.
School's great - I ended up with decent grades for the quarter &; semester,
And I got accepted to UCF for Summer 'o8, which was amazing.
I'm not 100% sure if i'm going there - I'm waiting to hear from UF &; FSU.
I'll find out in Febuary. [Fingers are crossed]
Work is work.
Some days I love it, some days I hate it.
But until I find another job, if I ever start looking, Chickfila's where it's at.
Family has been amazing. Ever since I got accepted things have been a lot more calm.
It was like 1000 pounds lifted off everyones shoulders, b/c we were all worried I wouldn't get in.
Honestly, haven't spent much time with the family lately, but that's coming around.
And my brother's coming a few times this year, yayayay.
Everyone's lovey-dovey, mimimum fighting, can't ask for much more.
Friends are fantastic. No drama whatsoever.
I've got all the people I want in my life, now.
I know i've said that before, but I really mean it now.
I lost a lifelong friend, but everything happens for a reason.
No hard feelings - just memories stored away to cherish :].
And at the same time, I've re-kindled some friendships.
No drifting / feeling left out with anyone anymore,
Everything is right where I want it.
Boys are .. un-complicated, for once.
I won't deny it - I still have feelings for the guy before.
[That I decided last entry never to write about again]
But, Oh well. I think I'll always have feelings for him.
But the feelings are more feelings of missing him, more than anything.
He's become the "one guy" that I'll always go back to.
.. Every girl has one of those.
But at the same time, I've found someone new. :]
And, things are looking pretty good right now.
I've been in denial for a while - not ready to move on,
But i'm trusting god with this one &; letting things happen.
.. Not gonna jinx it ; but we'll see how things actually turn out.
I love 2008.
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[31 Dec 2007|12:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
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rejuvenated |
] |
"I told myself If i did good, I'd stop doing the immoral things I've been doing &; turn my life around."
I respect that. Really, I do. Props to you for wanting to change your life around. I'm about to do the same. But FYI, lying is being immoral as well. And I do believe I've caught you in another lie. Another silly, stupid lie. I'm not falling for it though. Nope, I'm not going [&; didn't] call you, get it ignored, &; leave you a nasty message. Nope, I'm not gonna leave you a text message telling you that if you have some balls, you'll fix this shit out. [But I did accidently text you.] And i'm definently not going to wait 24 hours, call you again &; decide to be nice just for you to play dumb &; lie straight to my face over the phone. Instead, I'll just run to my liquor cabinet, scream in a rage, cursing like a mad woman &; fall to the ground, realize that drinking alcohol WON'T solve the problem, &; instead go to Mobil and buy two monster energy drinks.. that i decided to save until tommorow to drink. I'm so done with everything.
I'm done writing about you.
I'm done thinking about you. (Even though I know that until I see you next, I'll be thinking about you)
I'm done lying to everyone. (.. Except the fact I've told every person that I WANT to know, with the exception of two people. So in total, about four to five people know the truth.)
And most importantly, I'm done waiting around thinking your going to call me.
I've come to the conclusion, this went way too far. We really shoulda stopped when you guys started. [Ya shoulda, ya woulda, ya coulda..] Instead of continue through it as we have. For almost a month &; a half, going on to two months, this has been going on. And, it's been amazing. I don't regret it, in the least bit. And to be honest, if in the future you came back, I'd take you back in a heartbeat, but only If it was just us. But that'll be in the future. I want us, in the past. I don't know what's going to happen next time I see you. I don't know where we're headed. I want more than anything, for us to be best friends like we were, but I kind of have this feeling that we will never be that again. We crossed the line in many ways and it's a line you can't go back on.
Tommorow at midnight strikes a new year.
My plans for 2008? Make the next five &; a half months of school, my most successful months yet. My biggest priority right now is getting accepted into a college. Gonna do whatever it takes to get there. And at the same time, I wanna make the next five &; a half months of school the best five &; a half months ever. Be with the people who wanna be with me &; make memories that I'll never forget. Enjoy &; take part of all the Senior Festivities. Get ready for Senior Week, Get ready for Prom. I wanna be happy like I was so long ago. Truly happy, not a care in the world type of Happy. It's gonna be a new year, a new slate. I'm starting completely fresh. Leaving my burdens in 2007 &; living great in 2008. =]
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[27 Dec 2007|05:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Love Song |
] |
I think I finally realized it, it's what I told Michaela today.
"I know the difference between right &; wrong. I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, er, what i've gotten myself into, but at the same time I frankly don't care. I've spent so much time of my life; being in this situation, having to choose from what's right &; best for me, to what's wrong. And i've always gone with right. A little wrong can't hurt."
The sex is just too great.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.
kidding, kidding. take a joke.
But for real. I know where I stand. And, I know where things will go if things go bad. Which is why I'll be proactive about it, if I feel the need to. Right now, I'm just livin' the good life. Don't stop me.
Seriously, everythings shaped up in the past week. Settled things with everyone, and for the most part everyones happy. The only thing setting me back right now, is college stuff. I'm pretty sure i've been deferred from both UCF &; FSU, so I have to wait till Febuary to take the ACTs again, and then wait a few more weeks after till I get scores in. But hopefully the scores are what do me good. I'm going to be applying to USF &; UNF this weekend, do my bright futures scholarships, &; housing stuff. Lalalala. I gotta get this stuff done, my goal is to have it done by the time we go back to school.. that's eassy.
Winter break has been pretty fun &; yet very relaxing, aside the few drama days I had this past week.
Christmas was nice, Spent time with family. Got a new digi camera, which i'm lovinggg, and a TV for my room! finally. And lots of clothes from Heritage, WOOPP. plus money, more clothes, dvds, etc. I loveee Christmas :]
Upcoming plans: Nothing much tommorow. Beach Saturday with the Girls // sleeping there, &; Beach Sunday, hopefully meeting up with all the CFA workers, my favorite girls &; guys. Hopefully it pulls througggh. I'm suppper excited to get away, and spend time with my favorites, YAYAYAY :] New years, nothing set for sure. I'll be with Ev, for sure. And probably going out with the CFA kids. Iddddk! My parents will be at the beach, so I'm free for whatever. YAY.
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[24 Dec 2007|01:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 infuriated |
] |
Exactly like my voicemail said to you,
"Of all the fucking people in the world to fuck me over, you were honestly the last person in the WORLD who I thought would fuck me over. You know EXACTLY what you did, and I can't fucking believe you. Especially that your putting this ON ME, making me look like the bad person. When god knows, I've been trying to end it for the longest fucking time. I do give you props, because you fucked me over so well, you did an amazing job pulling this off, but honestly don't ever fucking expect me to talk to you, nor look you in the eye EVER FUCKING AGAIN. cause I don't think I can or will. I mean, you can call me &; maybe I'll consider it, but otherwise, I'm completely fucking done. [Pause...] It sucks to know that this is how it went between us, because I honestly felt that you and I were friends, I honestly seriously felt that I could trust you .. but I honestly seriously was wrong. And btw, I know your fucking awake because I just called you off another phone &; you picked up. But seriously, whatever. Have a nice night."
Plus my little text message,
"When you decide to be a man &; grow some, &; stop hiding from me I suggest you call, cause this is ridiculous shit."
Damn, things are going to be SO different when I go back to school.
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[22 Dec 2007|04:12pm] |
|
JUST GOT MY SCHEDULE FOR NEXT WEEK [AT WORK] ;;
I'm only working Wednesday 9:30 AM - 1:30 PM :] YAY FOUR HOUR SHIFTS &; ONE DAY OF WORK. weee.
So with that said, my plans for winter break consist of:
Friday [Last night] - Macaroni Grill / Target with Kaytee & Josy, Christmas Shopping with Kaytee.
Saturday [Today] - Work 6:30 AM - 10:30 AM ; Christmas Shopping with Tony, Dinner with Colby, Party with April?, Hang out with Kyle.
Sunday - Church in the AM? No other plans.
Monday - No plans, Church, and Celebrating Christmas with Parents &; Grandma :]
Tuesday - MERRY CHRISTMAS! With family all day <3
Wednesday - Working 9:30 - 1:30, No plans.
Thursday &; Friday - No plans.
Saturday - Beach Condo with the Girls. :]
Sunday - Chickfila boys coming up to the Condo, Big Beach Fiesta :]
After that, No other plans.
Let's chill. :]
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| Day 1 of Winter Break 'o7 |
[22 Dec 2007|10:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
Pretty much the majority of my past entries have been about you. And about our situation. And some entries, I've written about how I need to stop. How i need to get over it, be done with it, be done with you. And then entries after will be about how I'm just going to let things go the way they do. I'm going to accept that things are the way they are and not complain about it. And now? I'm going to accept what i've believed the whole time. That THIS IS WRONG. and this NEEDS to stop. I've let you let me believe the right in this situation, I've let you let me believe you don't care about anything else then what's going on between us, And i've let you .. let you have me. But I'm being 110% honest right now, because "Honesty is crucial to this secret relationship" This is over. There's nothing right about this situation &; I'm super ashamed that i've let it get this far. I mean, it's been absolutely amazing, especially in the beginning, but recently it's just made me feel stressed. unhappy, etc. Seriously, the five minutes of being around eachother last night ; i felt more pressure & unfree then I have the whole five nights &; six days i haven't seen you. To be 110% honest, the five nights &; six days I haven't had you around, I've felt more free & more of myself then I have in the past month &; a half. That tells you something. That tells me something. It's done. I don't know how things are going to exactly end between us, I don't know where things will go from here, but I'm finished. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of keeping secrets that are eating me up inside. I think part of the reason I held onto you so long was not only the pleasures of having you around, but because I felt there was a friendship I wanted to save. But honestly now, I'd rather lose a friendship then lose my dignity, pride, &; most all: myself.
NOW THAT I VENTED THAT OUT;
Break couldn't have come any faster. I'm so glad schools over for two weeks. I really needed this break, I really need this break. To get away from people &; in place be with people I want to see &; be around, &; breaks always help me find myself when times are hard &; things are rough; which is how things have been for me recently. But that's all in the past. Out with the old &; in with the new. This upcoming year, The year of 2008, The year I graduate, is going to be a new year in a week &; a half, and for once in my life I think i'm really going to try &; make things different. Make things change, for the benefit of myself. A clean slate, a fresh plate. I'm ready.
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[18 Dec 2007|06:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
I've come to the realization this year that all you need in life is faith.
Because faith is what gets you through anything, if you just believe.
I've come to the realization in the past 24 hours another thing you need in life is,
Acceptance.
Accept things the way they are &; Remember that everything happens for a reason.
Don't fight fate, let fate take it's course.
WITH THAT SAiD;
I'm letting fate take it's course.
I'm ACCEPTiNG that things are the way they are because that's the way it's supposed to be.
I'm ACCEPTING that no matter how wrong this situation is, if i REALLY wanted to leave,
I'd be gone.
Yep.
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| Bleh. |
[07 Dec 2007|11:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
Horoscope for Friday December 7, 2007
Aries
Your emotions are all over the place right now &; that is making you feel a bit stressed out on top of everything else. Just take a deep breath &; carry on - tommorow will be much more straightforward!
Right on the money on how I've been feeling.
Except for the times where I've been with him.
When i'm with him, just me &; him, things are so clear. so amazing. so perfect.
But when i'm not with him? Things are a blur. a mess. confusing. not so perfect.
I know the difference between right &; wrong.
I know that it has to end.
It has to end, It has to end, it has to end.
I don't think I can say it or express it enough.
It just has to stop.
But, easier said then done.
I can't stop it. I can't stop me. Can't stop us.
I've tried .. honestly.
I tried ignoring him, not giving him as much attention,
and all that did was bring him closer to me.
I talked to him about him &; told him how I felt.
And he understood completely. But he made me go against the right,
&; go for the wrong. And stay with him. He didn't even try. It's what i wanted..
He's what I want.
I'm what he wants.
But there's someone else..
There's someone else.
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[04 Dec 2007|05:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
I can't remember the last time I was truly, truly, happy.
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard I almost peed, but cried instead.
I can't remember the last time I actually trusted a guy that I had feelings for.
I can't remember the last time I felt like I had everything I wanted.
I can't remember the last time that life was actually easy.
I'm ready to get out of here.
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[29 Nov 2007|06:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Valencia |
] |
We talked last night.
And, we got things accomplished.
But at the same time, we didn't.
I have so much self-control,
I wish that I could share it to the people who don't have any.
But this one boy knows how to take it away from me.
Very few guys know how to do that, but the ones that do, do it well.
The thing that sucks, is that THIS boy doesn't know he's doing it.
Or at least plays off super well that he's not doing it intentionally.
So in esscense, things are better.
But , I don't feel 100% certain about it.
Like, it's still not the right thing ..
Gosh, why did he have to question me yesterday. :[
Last thing I was expecting, &; def. not prepared for.
POOP.
We're just going to be completely honest to eachother.
Like full-blown, 1,000 % honest. About what's going on in his life, what's going on in mine.
See how far we can take it from there.
We'll see how far we go.
.. This entry, the past few entries should make no sense to anyone, but me.
And that's how It should be. I'm just venting.
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[28 Nov 2007|07:01pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
Ironically he called me two minutes after I typed that last sentence.
And, I didn't stay strong.
I played it off like everything was okay,
then once we got off the phone I beat myself up about it.
I've been playing it off at school for the past few days..
Bad ideaaa.
I finally got the chance to tell him how I felt.
I was supposed to be relieved, right?
... Sike.
No. It felt good to finally be able to let it out.
But what I wasn't expecting, was his reply:
"I understand where your coming from, but what are you saying, Candace?"
... Exactly what I told you. I can't do it anymore. Not under these circumstances.
"Think about it &; I'll call you later tonight."
.. Me? Think about it? What's there to think about? It's YOU who has to do the thinking.
Seriously, I just want it over with. I just want things figured out. This has gone on WAY TOO LONG.
My head hurts.
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[24 Nov 2007|01:36pm] |
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mood |
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satisfied |
] |
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music |
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Follow Through - Gavin Degraw |
] |
"So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through."
Reality finally hit and got the best of me with this situation.
That NO, a smile is not enough to keep something WRONG, going.
Because I've come to the conclusion, that no matter how happy someone can make you, how many smiles he can make you smile, or how many laughs he can make you laugh, A lie is a lie. And cheating is cheating. I was in that boat once before last year, and I'm not going to start it again this year. If you want to be with me, you can be with me. But only me. I'm not playing games, and I'm not selling myself short anymore. Don't get me wrong, I've had the best time with you. And things WERE perfect between us. But, things got in the way of that. And it's not so perfect anymore. And even though I thought there was a right way, an okay thought to do this, I've got hit with reality that there is nothing good that comes out of this situation. Er, yeah. So, with that said, I'm done with it until something changes, if anything changes.
I hope I can keep this momentum & motive up when it comes to you calling me.
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| Happy Thanksgiving. |
[22 Nov 2007|05:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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curious |
] |
As each day passes, I'm finding myself doubting myself & being in this situation.
I'm finding myself find more warning signs & reasons to get the heck out of it.
But every single time you call me,
Those reasons, warnings, & doubts all go away.
Is it really true that at the end of the day, no matter what the situation is,
You just want to be with the one who makes you smile?
Is a smile enough?
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| Most amazing thing I've ever recieved. |
[14 Nov 2007|08:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hopeful |
] |
| From: |  Time to Start Again....
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| Date: | Nov 13, 2007 10:18 PM |
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| Subject: | true freinds |
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| Body: | theres only a slecet few out there who truly no me
most of them dont like me
btu for the ONE that dose
thnak u
uv been there for me when i needed u most
yes weve fought
yes we have takin (breaks) before
but u allways came back
uve been there for the good the bad
and the great
i miss sundays at 3 32
i miss fose ball
i no i will see u soon
either in person
or in perfext land
were the coulds and the heavs meet
its were the birds fly out of on those perfect days
we will meet agine
I love OYou with all my heat
ne one reading this that isn her
if u have more than one best freind
then uv never experinced a true freind
never stop lookin for that one person tho
cause thell be the one who keep u living
thell make ur heart beat
I love E O E Y |
|---|
Even from millions of miles away, you still have the ability to make me smile and shine brighter than anyone. You're my best guy friend, forever & for life. Nothing, no one or amount of miles will change that. Corey Oreo and Candy Oreo, forever. We're going to be reunited once again, sometime in the future, I can just feel it. Between the motivation we have to make it happen, I know it'll pull through & I'll get to be with you. I love you.
Also from MY myspace ..."I've come to the point in my life where I've realized that the days of my youth are numbered. Before I know it, my senior year is going to come to a close & i'll be stepping into the big world. I've come to the realization that in a few months; nothing is going to matter. What he said, what she said; what happened this week, and what happened the next. I realized, I need to live everyday to it's full potential. Make the best of each day, make the most fun of each day, and most importantly, make it a day I'll always remember. I'm gonna live the rest of my year like it's my last. I'll probably make mistakes, probably cause a few problems here and there, but I won't take anything back or for granted. I just want to experience all I can & enjoy everything there is out there to enjoy." Who's with me?
Life is amazing.
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